If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Funny Quotes

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars...

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars...

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me...

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me...

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by...

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by...

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one...

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one...

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the...

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the...

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into...

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into...

I am two with nature.

I am two with nature.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not...

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not...

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept...

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept...

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when...

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when...

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four....

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four....

Men should be like Kleenex...soft, strong, disposable.

Men should be like Kleenex...soft, strong, disposable.

I try to speak in everyday language. I feel like God has gifted me to...

I try to speak in everyday language. I feel like God has gifted me to...