How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Funny Quotes, God Quotes

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down....

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down....

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep...

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep...

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the...

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the...

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too...

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too...

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only...

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only...

Marriage is the death of hope.

Marriage is the death of hope.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end

Eternity is really long, especially near the end

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

My ideal relaxation is working on upholstry. I spend hours in junk shops buying furniture....

My ideal relaxation is working on upholstry. I spend hours in junk shops buying furniture....

Television is becoming a collage -- there are so many channels that you move through...

Television is becoming a collage -- there are so many channels that you move through...