I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Funny Marriage Quotes, Judgement Quotes, Marriage Quotes

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly...

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly...

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever...

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever...

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas...

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

Blood's not thicker than money.

Blood's not thicker than money.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

When I propose to my future wife, I'm going to put a ring in a...

When I propose to my future wife, I'm going to put a ring in a...

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn't around...

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn't around...

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit...

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit...

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.

It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.

In business partnerships and marriage partnerships, O' the cheating that goes on

In business partnerships and marriage partnerships, O' the cheating that goes on