Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Quote by Groucho Marx

Topics: Groucho Marx Quotes

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an...

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an...

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the...

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the...

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began...

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began...

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf...

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf...

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and...

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and...

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly...

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly...

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old...

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old...

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with...

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with...

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and...

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and...

Who persuaded you to cut off the nose of your wife's lover? Wretched husband, that...

Who persuaded you to cut off the nose of your wife's lover? Wretched husband, that...

I could be such a wonderful wife to another wifes husband.

I could be such a wonderful wife to another wifes husband.