To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Quote by Woody Allen
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too...
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down....
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone...
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue...
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.
Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through...
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue...
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Practice random beauty and senseless acts of love.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by...
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give...
Just because today is a terrible day doesn't mean tomorrow won't be the best day...