I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Funny Quotes

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in...

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in...

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had...

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had...

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of...

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of...

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

Although we've come to the end of the road, still I can't let you go,...

Although we've come to the end of the road, still I can't let you go,...

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only...

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only...

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some...

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some...

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with...

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with...

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved

Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved

A man laments, Oh, that my joy could be a little longer, and a woman...

A man laments, Oh, that my joy could be a little longer, and a woman...

I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without...

I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without...