Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: God Quotes

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by...

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by...

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is...

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is...

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I am two with nature.

I am two with nature.

I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of...

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of...

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as...

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as...