I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Chess Quotes, Funny Quotes

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into...

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into...

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one...

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one...

I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you...

I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you...

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by...

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by...

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard...

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard...

I took the speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's...

I took the speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's...

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl...

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl...

80% of success is showing up.

80% of success is showing up.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave...

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave...

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is...

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is...

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

Martyrdom is the only way a man can become famous without ability.

Martyrdom is the only way a man can become famous without ability.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him...

And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him...