When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, 'I want my daughter back by 8:15.' I said, 'The middle of August? Cool!'

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Dating Quotes, Funny Quotes

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.