When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, 'I want my daughter back by 8:15.' I said, 'The middle of August? Cool!'

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Dating Quotes, Funny Quotes

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

Real poverty is lack of books.

Real poverty is lack of books.

Her books were put down by most critics but readers would not put down her...

Her books were put down by most critics but readers would not put down her...

I've been going to shopping malls since I was on General Hospital.

I've been going to shopping malls since I was on General Hospital.