When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, 'I want my daughter back by 8:15.' I said, 'The middle of August? Cool!'

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Dating Quotes, Funny Quotes

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...