When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, 'I want my daughter back by 8:15.' I said, 'The middle of August? Cool!'
Quote by Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...
I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French...
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...
What Canada has to do is to have a government connected to the priorities of...
Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it....