When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.