When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses...

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...