I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...