When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I said No, I made a few mistakes.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to...

Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to...

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.