When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I said No, I made a few mistakes.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.

My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.