When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I said No, I made a few mistakes.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...