For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel...

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...