For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Quote by Steven Wright

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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

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I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

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When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

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