For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?