There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Quote by Woody Allen
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of...
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is...
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through...
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught...
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last...
Love is the answer, but while youre waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty...
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to...
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much...
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one...
Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith." Thank God I'm strapped in...
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke
The purpose of life is the expansion of happiness.
To love is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.
What is deservedly suffered must be borne with calmness, but when the pain is unmerited,...
Editorial writers enter after battle and shoot the wounded.