My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Quote by Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into...
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that...
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much...
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to...
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through...
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what...
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep...
I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
Doth not the appetite alter? A man loves the meat in his youth that he...
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
The love we have in our youth is superficial compared to the love that an...