Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate
Quote by Woody Allen
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to...
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by...
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
80% of success is showing up.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Marriage is the death of hope.
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the...
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone...
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of...
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Speak me fair in death.
The stroke of death is as a lover's pinch, Which hurts and is desired.