What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Woody Allen Quotes

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too...

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too...

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

I took the speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's...

I took the speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It's...

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept...

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept...

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must...

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must...

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my...

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my...

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to...

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to...

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what...

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what...

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by...

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by...

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant...

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant...

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way...

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way...

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I tried to stop smoking cigarettes by telling myself I just didn't want to smoke,...

I tried to stop smoking cigarettes by telling myself I just didn't want to smoke,...