My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Funny Quotes, Teacher Quotes

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get...

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get...

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by...

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by...

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything...

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything...

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Pamela Andersons fingertips.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will...

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will...

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done...

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done...

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to...

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to...

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down....

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down....

The idea of a good society is something you do not need a religion and...

The idea of a good society is something you do not need a religion and...

If I die a violent death, as some fear and a few are plotting, I...

If I die a violent death, as some fear and a few are plotting, I...

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.

Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.