I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Quote by Woody Allen
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up
Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue...
The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last...
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves...
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come...
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done...
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Beer is good food
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to...
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....