I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Funny Quotes, Love Quotes

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will...

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will...

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only...

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only...

Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved

Sex is nobody's business except the three people involved

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything...

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything...

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much...

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much...

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone...

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone...

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept...

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept...

Nothing makes me want a relationship to fail more than matching profile pictures.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

Sleep is the interest we have to pay on the capital which is called in...

Sleep is the interest we have to pay on the capital which is called in...