I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Quote by Woody Allen

Topics: Woody Allen Quotes

I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything...

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything...

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it...

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it...

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one...

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one...

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that...

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that...

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil....

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil....

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with...

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with...

I am two with nature.

I am two with nature.

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only...

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only...

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of...

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of...

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But...

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But...

For age and want save while you may, No morning sun lasts a whole day.

For age and want save while you may, No morning sun lasts a whole day.

One kills a man, one is an assassin; one kills millions, one is a conqueror;...

One kills a man, one is an assassin; one kills millions, one is a conqueror;...