If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Funny Quotes, Morning Quotes

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago...

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago...

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

Take my wife... Please!

Take my wife... Please!

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,...

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,...

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.