If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Funny Quotes, Morning Quotes

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does...

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does...

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but...