I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Henny Youngman Quotes

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Take my wife... Please!

Take my wife... Please!