While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Henny Youngman Quotes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,...

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,...

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep...

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.