If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Henny Youngman Quotes

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let...

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to...

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His...

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His...

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.