I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Quote by Henny Youngman

Topics: Henny Youngman Quotes

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks...

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup...

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the...

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no...

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends...

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one...

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put...