If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.