My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

What a nice night for an evening.

What a nice night for an evening.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?