I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Shit Happens Quotes

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?