I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Shit Happens Quotes

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my...

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar...

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

How young can you die of old age?

How young can you die of old age?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.