I invented the cordless extension cord.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do...

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

The awkward moment when you think a customer is a salesperson.

The awkward moment when you think a customer is a salesperson.

The awkward moment when you look up from your phone and the person you have...

The awkward moment when you look up from your phone and the person you have...