My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens...

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,...

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting...

So, do you live around here often?

So, do you live around here often?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking, but I don't have that much...

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...