My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit...

What's another word for Thesaurus?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus...

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to...

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I...