My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Quote by Steven Wright

Topics: Steven Wright Quotes

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the...

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches...

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms...

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went...

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand...

At one point he decided enough was enough.

At one point he decided enough was enough.