I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...
I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...