My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see...

We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see...

What the world really needs is more love and less paper work

What the world really needs is more love and less paper work