My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.