Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

#Funny

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

#Funny

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

#Funny

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

#God

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

#Life

Life is just a bowl of pits.

#Life

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

#Funny, #Women

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

#Funny, #Parents

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

#Funny, #Parents

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...

#Funny, #Parents

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

#Funny, #Parents

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

#Funny, #Parents