It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...