Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Funny Quotes, Jokes Quotes

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.

A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.

My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few...

My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has damned few...

I can't wait to get married, because it's like a sleepover every night with your...

I can't wait to get married, because it's like a sleepover every night with your...