I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't met me yet

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Hilarious Quotes, Life Quotes

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

Hold up your cups and sing along, to one more drinking song.

Hold up your cups and sing along, to one more drinking song.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.