I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't met me yet
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....
Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...
My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...