On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...
A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...
I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Every man who is high up loves to think that he has done it all...
My wife and I no longer have anything in common but our differences.
Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.
All married women are not wives