My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I always advise people never to give advice.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue...

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue...

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents