My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...
I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
I love running cross country....On a track, I feel like a hamster.
Mosquitos remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as...