My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I love running cross country....On a track, I feel like a hamster.

I love running cross country....On a track, I feel like a hamster.

Mosquitos remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as...

Mosquitos remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as...