My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty

Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty

Any woman who still thinks marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition is only proving that she...

Any woman who still thinks marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition is only proving that she...

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an...

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an...

This is the way to kill a wife; with kindness.

This is the way to kill a wife; with kindness.