My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex...

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

Fraud and falsehood only dread examination. Truth invites it.

Fraud and falsehood only dread examination. Truth invites it.

I think a man's duty is to find out where the truth is, or if...

I think a man's duty is to find out where the truth is, or if...

Truth is always the sum of two half truths and one never catches them at...

Truth is always the sum of two half truths and one never catches them at...