My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Bias has to be taught. If you hear your parents downgrading women or people of...

Bias has to be taught. If you hear your parents downgrading women or people of...

The end then of learning is to repair the ruins of our first parents by...

The end then of learning is to repair the ruins of our first parents by...