I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Age Quotes, Funny Quotes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's...

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing

Lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing

Golf is a wonderful exercise. You can stand on your feet for hours, watching somebody...

Golf is a wonderful exercise. You can stand on your feet for hours, watching somebody...