I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...
My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger...
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...