I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.