I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody...

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...