I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.