This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I would warn you that I do not attribute to nature either beauty or deformity,...

I would warn you that I do not attribute to nature either beauty or deformity,...

Theres photoshop, auto tune, & plastic surgery. Too bad theres nothing for your ugly personality.

Theres photoshop, auto tune, & plastic surgery. Too bad theres nothing for your ugly personality.