With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was...
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said...
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's...
I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...