Quotes by Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

#Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

#Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

#Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

#Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He...

#Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full...

#Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

#Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

#Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

#Funny, #Humor, #Irony

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

#Shit Happens

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

#Funny, #Morning

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He...

#Dating, #Funny