My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately,...

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous; everyone hasn't...

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some...

This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some...

You can't legislate intelligence and common sense into people

You can't legislate intelligence and common sense into people