My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how...

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is...

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is...

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

The Jewish man with parents alive is a fifteen-year-old boy and will remain a fifteen-year-old...

The Jewish man with parents alive is a fifteen-year-old boy and will remain a fifteen-year-old...