My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...