My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and...

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a...

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

Old age is no place for sissies.

Old age is no place for sissies.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember...

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember...

If my mom reads that I'm grammatically incorrect, I'll have hell to pay.

If my mom reads that I'm grammatically incorrect, I'll have hell to pay.