On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're...
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion....
One woman I was dating called and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I...
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...
My marriage is on the rocks again; yeah, my wife just broke up with her...
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He...
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a...
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then...
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves...
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.