I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's...

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's...

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told...

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive,...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility.

The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility.

Life every man holds dear; but the dear man holds honor far more precious dear...

Life every man holds dear; but the dear man holds honor far more precious dear...