I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Quote by Rodney Dangerfield

Topics: Cheating Quotes, Soul Quotes

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life....

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.'...

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -...

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Then Old Age and Experience, hand in hand, Lead him to death, and make him...

Then Old Age and Experience, hand in hand, Lead him to death, and make him...

Yea, whereto might the strength of their hands profit me, in whom old age was...

Yea, whereto might the strength of their hands profit me, in whom old age was...

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.