I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Quote by Rodney Dangerfield
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said...
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I...
Life is just a bowl of pits.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time...
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her...
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday...
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she...
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and...
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.
Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was...